Relationships

Why You’re Still Single While You Don’t Deserve To Be

Have you ever had that experience where you’re taking massive action like you feel a line, you’ve got a vision for the relationship you want and you’re working towards it and yet nothing seems to be working? You’re still single.

What else could you do? What could you work on that you might not be seeing, that if you work on this thing it would open up the flow of love in your life? You feel like you’ve got a love block.”

What do we mean by this term “love block”?

Well, that’s the experience where you’re taking action, you’re doing everything that you know you should be doing and it’s almost like you have energetic cords holding you back like you can’t actually move forward. Or you’re taking action and you’re met with a brick wall that you can’t actually push forward, you’re not making any progress. The worst part of it is when you see other people having results.

Someone who hasn’t done as much work as you have, someone who hasn’t studied as much as you have, someone who hasn’t taken nearly as much action as you have and they’re experiencing the results that you want and you feel that burn of envy in you. We think, “You know what, there must be something missing here. There must be some block that’s preventing me from having the love that I want.”

The question is: what is that block and how to discover it?

That’s what we’re going to be talking about. Here’s the interesting thing about internal blocks. You don’t actually have to go looking for the block to discover it.

1. Get Interested.

The first step in this is actually getting interested in your dream, get interested in action, because as you take massive action towards your dream your block is going to come looking for you.

Your block is going to raise its ugly head, get right in front of you and be the thing that prevents you from moving forward. If you have eyes to see and ears to listen to what this block is telling you. Blocks are almost always some form of deep inner fear.

Fear that says that we’re not enough and that if we’re not enough we won’t be loved. Let’s talk about one powerful form of fear or internal block that thwarts many people’s efforts to find love.

2. Block of shame.

It’s feeling shame about something from your past. Maybe feeling shame about something that you’ve done, or shame about something horrible that’s done to you, or feeling shamed about some flaw that you think you have in your body or your physicality or something.

That block of shame can prevent us from having the love that we want in our life. Now shame is very different than guilt. Guilt says that you did something bad. Shame is a bit more toxic. It says that you are something bad. It says that you are not enough. Shame says that you are not lovable.

What shame wants us to do is it wants us to isolate. Shame wants us to hide. It wants us to go in the darkness and fear of being discovered for what we feel shameful about. The challenge is, what this isolation does is this causes us to stop coming from our heart, to stop coming from our true authenticity.

I read this great quote recently that said:

What comes from the heart enters the heart.”

We’re talking about really building a connection with somebody else, really building that intimacy with somebody else. When we’ve got shame going on in the recesses of our being, in the dark corners of ourselves,

I mean, you’ve got 90% of you feel great but you’ve got this dark corner of shame going on, it holds a part of you back and it holds a part of your energy back.

When you’re not coming from your heart when you’re choosing safety over authenticity, that’s costing you not coming from your heart and it’s costing you not entering the heart of somebody else.

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” If we’re not capable of change then therein lies the block, right?

Therein lies how we’re stuck. How do we shift shame?

3. What’s the antidote to shame?

Well, the antidote to shame is actually a bit counterintuitive. Because if shame wants us to isolate, shame wants us to hide, shame wants us to remain in the darkness about that thing, because it says, “Look if anyone finds out about this,” the thing you feel shameful about, “it’s going to cost you, love.

They’re not going to accept you, they’re not going to love you. You’re going to be rejected. You’re going to be alone forever.” So therein lies the fear. The very antidote to shame is the connection.

4. You don’t share your feelings.

The antidote to shame is to bring the thing we feel shameful about out into the lie and actually to share it with somebody else.

Here’s the key: you can’t just share it with anybody. You have to share this thing, your story, with somebody that loves you, honours you, respects you, has compassion for you, and that will be a safe place to receive this information.

This is very, very important.

You don’t want to take this lightly because the opposite is true, if you share your story with the wrong person, someone who criticizes you and tells you, “Gosh, how could you do that?” or that puts you down or tries to cause you to feel bad about the thing that happened, it can reinforce the shame and that old limiting belief of paradigm of, “See? I told you-you should tell this to anybody. You should have kept this hidden. Look what happened now.” That whole story will emerge.

5. Build courage in yourself.

But when you have the courage to share this with someone who loves you, who will be compassionate towards, and who will hold this in confidence, in a safe place, it is a massively healing process.

It will feel like there’s a thousand pound boulder lifted from you and there’s a whole new amount of energy that you have access to when you clear that energy away.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy, the experiences that
make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

6. You need to love yourself the right amount.

Remember, what comes from heart enters the heart. When you truly love yourself up enough to have the courage enough to share the story with somebody else and you come from that place of vulnerability that opens your heart up to another level of connection to enter the hearts of other people.

You want to know this: that love, belonging, worthiness and joy, those are things you have to earn.

Those aren’t even things that can be taken from you. Those are your birthright, by means that you were born into this world, by means that you are a blessing on this world.

Those are your birthright and so all you have to do is claim them, share your story, and move forward. Shame is one of the blocks that try to get in our way and prevents us from having more love in our lives.

My question to you is: what blocks have you found that have tried to keep you from having a love in your life and how did you overcome them?

7. You think that being single is a bad thing.

Like why is singleness such a problem? I mean, I know we all want to be loved and cared for and relationships are the societally accepted way to do that.

That is not the only way to be loved and cared for and nurtured. Building strong relationships with all kinds
of people in your life NOT just finding a significant other that you can canoodle with is the way to have your life feel fulfilled.

8. You always think there is something wrong with you.

You feel that something has to be remedied with yourself before you can have a relationship and are looking for specific reasons as to what is going wrong!

But why do you think something is wrong in the first place?

Why is not being “in love” or being in a relationship so looked down upon? You know, I’m here to tell you that there’s
nothing wrong with you. Well, there might be. You don’t know that.

They might want to get that under control before they were in a relationship. That’s not the point! The point is that it’s easy to tear yourself down and to feel like if you’re not in a relationship right now then there is something inherently wrong with you. You’re ugly, fat or not interesting. You have a sense of humour that no one really gets.

You can find and believe in a million reasons for your singleness. But they always end up just tearing down your self-confidence. That’s no way to find a relationship with low self-esteem!

9. You’re not being realistic.

Basically, with this one, your rom-com addiction could be trickling into your love life. You know that bad lad who plays everyone and meets ‘the one’ and then settles down? Yeah, that’s not Jimmy that you met at the bar last Saturday. It could be, but that’s the exception to the rule, not the rule. I don’t know why we always have this fascination with focusing on that but probability-wise that’s highly unlikely.

The other problem with this is ‘the one’ phenomenon, you know, that one who’s going to come along and check off every single thing on your checklist, magically walk on into your life, you’ll fall in love and boom-boom for the rest of eternity.

Make sure that your checklist is lining up with what you bring to the table because having unrealistic expectations is very very different from knowing what sort of relationship you want, don’t get the two mixed up.

10. You’re not over your EX.

You managed to get through it, you learnt, you became better, more resilient, and stronger than you ever were before and you don’t need to carry that around with you anymore. No one should be punished for what someone else has done, I know you wouldn’t like it either. Which brings

11. Who you really are?

Okay, this is the whole self-improvement spiel. I’m not going to bore you with it because I know you’ve heard it a thousand times before. The biggest thing I want you to take out of this is if you don’t enjoy your own company how can you expect someone else to?

 

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