“Can I have sex before marriage?”, or “should I have sex before marriage?”
But especially when I hear it, “Can I have sex before marriage?”, I think that’s a very interesting question because I think it’s the wrong question.
Actually, I think it’s kind of a crappy and a boring question.
Because if we are honest, can you? Yeah! Of course.
If you’re in a relationship with someone; you’re dating them in high school, college, or after, yeah, you can do whatever you want.
And so the question is not “can”, the question is more “should.” So I think instead of saying, “Can I do this?” or, “do that?”, not even in regards to our sexuality,
The question we should always be asking is, “What leads to the most joy?”
Those are two very different questions. One puts you on the sphere or this spectrum of always trying to tow the line or push the boundary, and the other one says, “No, no, no. I’m actually going to go this way with my life.
Do I want to ask, “Where’s the most joy? Where’s the most fulfilment? Where’s the most satisfaction?” In everything.
My job, relationships, academics, and all of the sort.
And so, in regards to sexuality, what leads to the best joy?
That’s the question we have to ask. And, a lot of time we don’t realize that, man, sexuality is this deeply, sacred, beautiful thing, in us.
Almost very close to our identity, so it almost feels a part of who we are, And so, here’s the truth we have to wrestle with.
We can take this question in a bunch of different areas, and there’s a bunch of different ways we can answer it.
But really, what leads to the most joy? and what leads to the most satisfaction? Now it’s clear, that God has designed and lined the world up to work a certain way, meaning there’s kind of this music, or this dance happening in the entire universe.
Again, not just sexuality, but everything else. Work, rest, rhythm, all of these different things.
And we can either submit to that music, or we can not. And it’s kind of like putting a wrench in the system when we go against that music. Like, the music’s not gonna change for us.
The music’s happening. We can either dance in beat with it, or out of beat.
And I think sexuality is a lot like that. Like God designed it and it’s sacred, and, beautiful and, amazing, and deep, and rich, and all these different things. And so it’s kind of like fire, right?
Like it can lead, and bring warmth in its context, in its boundary. A fire pit or anything of that nature.
But outside of its boundary, it can wreak havoc; it can cause forest fires, it can cause damage, it can burn a house down. So it really comes down to context.
Here’s the core of the issue. What a lot of people don’t realize, because I think we really we are in slave to a lot of gnostic principles of division between body and spirit, meaning we don’t see ourselves as one whole being, which we are!
And so what happens is, we have a very low view of the body; a very low view of the physicality of the world, not realizing that what we do with our body actually communicates something bigger and deeper.
And especially in regards to sexuality, when we are having sex with someone, we are communicating this deep level of oneness, that we know we were all created for. You can’t have any more vulnerability or transparency or nakedness I mean, metaphorically speaking, than in sexuality.
And so, in sex, you’re communicating something. You’re communicating this deep level of oneness that we know we were all created for.
I see all that you are, I see all of your “nakedness”, (again metaphorically). See all that you truly are all your hurt, your scars, your pain. I see your life, and I still want you.
And when two people are doing that, that’s what true sex is for, and that’s what sex was created for.
Now the issue is, I don’ think you can truly have that outside of marriage.
Because marriage is where you put this covenant, this promise, on top of the relationship, that says, “No matter what happens, no matter what we grow through, in sickness or in health, I’m not going anywhere.” And so in that covenant, someone can fully take off the mask fully put the guard down, and you can fully have that oneness.
I don’t think you can have it when there’s still the option of just breaking up with someone. And so with your body, you’re communicating basically your wedding vows.
You’re saying, “In sickness and in health, I want to be one with you,
I’m not going anywhere.” And so here’s the challenge to anyone who may be asking this question.
Don’t get in a position where your body is saying something that you don’t want your life to say.
Meaning if you don’t want to be one with that person, if you don’t want to be with them in sickness and in health, rich or poor, for the rest of your life, then don’t let your body say it.
Because that’s just gonna cause kind of short wiring, not only of the entire system, but your heart, your identity, your emotions, and your life.
So the biggest challenge I want to leave you guys with is don’t let your body say something that you’re not willing to say with the rest of your life, because that’s what sexuality is all about.
When God is saying, “Hey now, I want to take you to the deep end. I want to take you farther and I want to show you where true joy, and shalom, and beauty is at.
So I hope that answers your question on can you have sex before marriage.