So many of us struggle with behaviours that create problems in our lives and that make it difficult to reach our goals.
Self-sabotage is a part of all our lives, is it not?
The first thing we need to do is to look at some examples of self-sabotage; We have something to do, but we procrastinate it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship.
We consciously want a job, but we suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check us off his list of candidates.
You get the idea. Self-sabotage is essentially thoughts, words and actions, in other words, behaviours, that are self-defeating.
They work against you when it comes to attaining something you want.
Consciousness can and does split itself so even though you may identify yourself as one person because you call yourself by one name, the truth is you are more of an amalgamation of parts or selves.
We are more like a mosaic or a stained-glass window. Our degree of internal suffering is about the degree of harmony or lack thereof between these internal selves.
If you are experiencing self-sabotage, it is because not all of your internal selves or parts agree with your conscious desires
One or more of them are resisting or opposing the part that contains your conscious desires.
If you are experiencing any kind of self-sabotage, what is actually occurring is that one or more parts within you think that you going in the direction that you consciously want to go in is actually the road to ruin.
This means there is no such thing as an internal saboteur and no such thing as an internal abuser.
Any of these opposed parts are doing so because they think that in fact, it is in your best interest to do so.
Obviously, if something thinks that it is in your best interest to do something or it thinks it’s saving your life by preventing you from doing something, we can’t really say it’s against you, can we?
And it’s very important for us to understand that this is the dynamic that is actually occurring for us to do anything about it. So you can understand this point more intensely.
We have something to do but we procrastinate it
In this scenario, one fragment or part of us, the one we are consciously identified with has made the decision to do something.
The other part thinks that doing that thing will lead to discomfort or some kind of pain, therefore it is trying to prevent you from experiencing that pain by keeping you from doing it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking. In this scenario, one part, the one we are consciously identified with has decided it is committed to stopping the addiction, The other part believes that the life you want is not actually possible to achieve.
So, it thinks that letting go of the addiction will simply make it so you are in hell alone and now you just have to sit in the agony of that misery permanently.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work, but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things that create conflict in the relationship.
In this scenario, one fragment or part of us, the one we are consciously identified with has made the decision to be in a relationship and to make it work.
Another part knows that relationship has been so painful in the past and that it has been abandoned and therefore thinks that abandonment is inevitable that it is trying to save you from the pain of getting attached to something that you are it is inevitably going to lose.
You consciously want a job, but you suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check you off his list of candidates.
In this scenario, one part of you has decided the best idea is for you is to work at that job. The other part thinks that job is not what you should be doing at all.
That is the opposite of your authentic essence and that therefore life would be drudgery and effort if you take that job.
Obviously, self-hate has to be the exception to the rule, right?
When you discover the parts involved in self-hate, what you find is that a person internalizes their external abuser.
Essentially, one part feels that by hating and punishing and therefore trying to get another part to change.
It is preventing them from getting that hate and disapproval and shaming and punishment from the outside from another person.
By doing so, it is trying to get the person the love they so desperately need from the outside.
Did you notice what all of these examples and any example of self-sabotage has in common?
There are two parts or potentially more that are completely opposed to one another because one believes that going in this direction is the best thing that could possibly happen and the other one thinks that going in that direction is the road to ruin.
We have to understand this for us to create any kind of alignment between these two parts.
We can’t be focused at the one who is the saboteur as if it doesn’t have our best interests at heart, as if it is, in fact, our enemy because it isn’t
It is only when we empathize completely with the self-preserving nature of these parts that we can do anything to remedy this opposition within us.
One of the best methods for exploring these parts is that we can Close our eyes.
We ask to see the aspect of us that is opposed to our conscious desire.
So, let’s say you have a job interview to do and you keep sabotaging the job interviews.
Ask to see the part of you that keeps failing at the job interview.
Now as you close your eyes, in your mind’s eye, I want you to see that part Just as it appears to you,
What does it look like, What does it need?
What are its actual motives for doing that?
Ask this part of you, in your mind’s eye, as many questions as you can as if you are interviewing with love and compassion another person.
And you want to explore that part’s relationship to other parts. So, for example, talking to the aspect that keeps sabotaging jobs;
How do you really feel about the one that really wants to get this job?
What we can do is we let go of the perspective of wanting that thing
So, we let go of that aspect of us and we choose to completely become only the aspect of us that do not want that things we think we want.
It’s almost like we are channelling just the part of us that does not want to go in that direction.
Just the internal saboteur, so to speak.
When you do it this way you are deciding to let the consciousness of only that part to take over your body.
As if it were another person within you and you were simply getting fully into its perspective only.
You can state internally to yourself or choose with your intention
Then we surrender and allow the energy to fill in the spaces within our whole body Then we can write as that part,
Become as aware as possible with compassion for this part that you are now playing, as you can.
The goal is to find some course of action or something that can be done here to create resolve so that these currently opposed parts can be going in the same direction
An agreed upon direction. It’s almost like your conscious mind becomes a loving mediator that finds a way for both of these to be on the same page instead of pulling against one another.
It must be a win-win for both.
You cannot get into a scenario with your internal aspects that’s a lose-lose.
Sometimes when we allow ourselves to really explore both of these opposed aspects, we find that what we thought that we wanted is not what we actually want, or that a different course of action is actually more true to ourselves.
So be open to the idea that when you do this, your course of action might have to change.
We will see an end to the self-sabotage when we chose to resolve the pain contained in this part that is keeping it fragmented from the rest, We can meet its needs with our imagination and subsequently implement the changes this part of us needs in our day to day life.
We can also improve the relationship that this part has with that part of us that is opposed to.
By doing this we create internal peace and integration.
We can restore ourselves back to a state of internal peace.
If we experience self-sabotage we don’t trust ourselves
We feel like part of us is against us, but this is me standing here today saying it isn’t the case.
If you are experiencing any form of self-sabotage all it means is that these two aspects within you disagree upon the best course of action for you specifically, the best decision, whatever it is, But they are doing so because they want what is best for you and it is the purity of that motive that makes it so that there is no such thing as self-sabotage.