Performance anxiety is one of the things that is really challenging for a lot of couples, a lot of men in particular.
Women hate it and men are ashamed of it.
I’m going to be talking about performance anxiety, getting hard, staying hard and what to do if neither of those things seems to be happening.
It makes women feel like they’re not sexy and it’s frustrating. One of the things that’s a real problem with performance anxiety and getting an erection in our culture is that a lot of people misunderstand what normal is and a lot of people think that what normal is what you see in pornography.
In pornography, they can do edits and takes over and over again until they get it right. It’s the same thing with men in pornography and erections.
Those guys are on a whole lot of Viagra and they can stop the camera anytime if there’s any kind of an erection problem and sometimes the crew has to wait a long time but you never know about that.
The truth of what’s normal is that some men take longer to get hard than others.
Sometimes even under the best of circumstances it just doesn’t want to come out and play and for many men, it’s completely normal to not maintain a really hard erection throughout the period of intercourse.
Sometimes it’s a little harder, sometimes it’s a little softer. This flow is perfectly normal and natural.
The problem becomes when you notice that it’s not flowing and it’s losing some of its hardness and you begin to panic about that.
Either she notices or you notice and that, of course, is not a sexy feeling and it becomes a downward spiral.
Your turn-on is emotional, it’s psychological and when you’re thinking about the woman in front of you and you’re thinking about how delicious sex is going to be and how beautiful she is you get an erection.
When you’re thinking about the fact that you’re not getting an erection, of course, you’re not thinking about her and it’s that chatter it’s that mental dialogue that is the problem.
Now, by the way, women also experience this same kind of performance anxiety. The difference is when they’re in their heads thinking about the fact that they haven’t had an orgasm yet it prevents them from having an orgasm.
For men, it shows up as having difficulty achieving an erection which unfortunately for men is a lot more difficult to fake.
This is a problem that affects both younger men and older men.
With younger men, it usually has to do with being nervous because of inexperience. With older men, it is equally common if not more.
What happens with older men is that they begin to notice that it’s taking the longest to get hard than it used to and the moment they notice that they’re not getting hard as quickly as they used to they begin to think ” I’m having a problem getting hard” and it’s in that moment that their mental process shifts from ‘yeah we’re having sex – oh no I’m not getting hard”.
As soon as they start thinking that and they begin that thought loop they’re no longer turned on.
I’m going to give you a very simple four-step process for dealing with this so that you never have to worry about erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety again.
1. Acknowledge it
It’s really important to get it out of your mind and into the room so you can deal with. As long as it’s you just in your mind alone you can’t deal with it.
When you’re busy trying to pretend that you don’t have a problem and she’s getting more upset and then you notice she’s getting upset and then she doesn’t acknowledge it which makes you even more upset, this creates a downward spiral you’re never getting out of it that way.
The easiest thing to do is to crack a little joke, notice it, mention it, put her at ease.
Let her know that it’s not her that you find her attractive and then reassure her that whether or not your erection comes out to play the two of you can still have a lot of fun and you’re still going to be able to give her a lot of sexual pleasure.
2. You have to understand women’s psychology on this
Women hate this and they just can’t stand it when a man has difficulty getting an erection.
Not just because it’s sexually frustrating for them, in fact, that’s the last reason because of all of their own psychological angst around it after all when you can’t get hard she feels unattractive.
If this problem is persistent for you when you are in a relationship and this is going to be a process that takes a little while to get over this first step of being able to acknowledge it and just make it cool is going to prevent her from feeling anxiety around it and going “oh no not this again”.
Once she stops doing that it’s going to be a lot easier for you as well. So that’s step one is just to get it out there get it out of all this angst zone.
Make a little joke about it and then reassure her that you’re going to have fun and then by the way act on that.
2. Remember you’re in bed with a woman
Hopefully, a woman you like. there’s no reason that you can’t enjoy yourself plenty and your hardness or lack of hardness is not going to affect your ability to have a lot of fun if you focus on having fun.
You can do it with your hands, your fingers, you can make out for a long time.
There’s plenty of things that you can do to sexually satisfy her and to enjoy yourself.
3. Remember that this is a function of your mind doing the wrong thing
You want to get out of your head and into your body and the way you want to do this is by breathing deeply into your belly.
As you breathe into your belly big diaphragm breaths you’re going to feel relaxed and it drains tension from yourself and then really focus on all of your sensations in your skin, your sense of smell, your sense of taste the things you’re seeing.
You can look into your lover’s eyes, you can touch her and feel her. Everything that you can do to get into your 5 senses.
The sounds in the room, the feelings in your body. Get into your body and focus on that. Really pay attention to that and get yourself out of your head.
4. Meditation practice
Try and get out of your thoughts by focusing on a single point. Meditation frequently that single point is the breath and instead of that, I recommend that the single point of focus be your love and to really really give her your focus and really hand over all of your attention to that.
Every time you feel your brain going back to the dialogue, return again. Get into the body and return to a dialogue about her.
Focus on the texture of her hair, the texture of her skin, the smell of her your sweet and loving thoughts about her. Anything that you can do to move your thoughts from this anxiety to thoughts about her is going to do the trick now.
5. There are other options to deal with performance anxiety
I’ll add that there is one other option here and it’s the option that a lot of people know about and it’s the pharmaceutical pills that you can take.
As far as the pills go I think it’s worth acknowledging that the ones that you can get from your doctor the prescription medications like Viagra and Cialis work and they work very well and very quickly.
The herbs and other stuff out there that you can get may or may not work and I don’t recommend them because a lot of them have some pretty serious side effects in many cases more serious than the pharmaceutical products.
Probably taking any of these pills if you’re going down that route is that you can develop a dependency on them.
If you’re in your 20s and the problem is you’ve grown up masturbating too much to porn and now you can’t get an erection with a real woman I say cut out the porn, cut out masturbation, and just keep working on this.
Find a girlfriend that’s patient and work on this. You don’t want to get addicted to these pills so that you’re addicted to them for the rest of your life.
Always consult your doctor before taking any medications.